When someone we love is struggling with addiction, we want to do everything we can to help. But sometimes the things we do out of love end up enabling their substance use instead.

If you’re wondering how to help an addict without enabling them, the key is to support the person, not their substance use. That means learning about addiction, keeping your home safe and substance free, keeping communication open, encouraging treatment and entering family therapy together.

Below, we’ll look at the difference between helping and enabling and five healthier ways to help.

Not sure where to start? Call 949-276-2886 to talk with someone who understands.

Helping vs. Enabling: What’s the Difference?

Helping and enabling both come from a place of love, which is why they can be so hard to tell apart. Helping means doing things that support your loved one’s health and recovery. Enabling means doing things that protect them from the results of their substance use, or that make it easier for them to keep using.

The difference often comes down to what happens next. Paying their rent so they don’t lose their home may feel like helping. But if it frees up their money for drugs or alcohol, it can end up enabling them instead. Driving them to a counseling appointment, on the other hand, helps them take a step toward recovery.

The same goes for how you handle their choices. Calling their boss to say they’re sick protects them from the results of their substance use. Letting them make that call themselves, and supporting them as they deal with what comes next, can give them a reason to make a change.

A simple way to tell the difference is to ask yourself one question. Does this help them get better, or does it help them keep using? If you realize you’ve been enabling, try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s never too late to start helping in healthier ways.

Helping vs. Enabling in Everyday Situations

Sometimes it’s easier to see the difference side by side. Here’s how helping and enabling can look in a few everyday situations, based on the five steps below.

5 Ways to Help Your Loved One Without Enabling Them

Every family is different, but these five steps can help you support your loved one’s recovery instead of their substance use.

Learn About Addiction

Addiction is a complex disease, and there are many cultural stereotypes and attitudes attached to it. Some of them aren’t helpful, and some can be outright harmful. The more you understand how addiction works, the better equipped you’ll be to help your loved one.

Luckily, there is a wealth of information out there, including our articles for family and friends. A good place to start is the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), which has resources to help families cope. Your state’s health department and your primary care doctor can also point you toward help in your area.

Set Clear Boundaries and Keep Communication Open

Some people believe tough love is the only way to get through to someone, which can mean kicking them out or cutting them off. While it’s important to set firm and clear boundaries, turning your loved one away can pull them further into the depths. A strong support system is a vital part of recovery.

Boundaries look different for every family, but they should be clear and simple. For example, you might decide that:

• You won’t give them cash.
• You won’t call in sick for them or make excuses for them.
• You won’t pay off debts caused by their substance use.

Let them know your boundaries calmly, and then stick to them. At the same time, keep talking. Be honest about how you feel, even if you’re angry or disappointed. Make sure they know you still love them and can come to you, especially if they’re dealing with cravings or have relapsed.

Be Substance Free Around Them

Your loved one needs a safe and supportive environment, especially early in recovery. If you live with them, keep alcohol and drugs out of your home, including any prescription medications that could be misused. If they’re visiting, keep substances locked up and out of sight. This can help remove temptation and avoid triggering cravings.

When you go to a party or gathering where there will be alcohol, think about staying sober with them. It’s a small choice, but it can build a sense of solidarity and help them feel stronger.

Encourage Treatment and Support Groups

Seeking treatment is not easy. Many people have to overcome denial and find their own desire to recover first. You may have heard that sending someone to rehab against their will doesn’t work. Luckily, that isn’t the case.

Treatment principles from the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) show that people can benefit from treatment even when they don’t choose it on their own. Still, gently guiding them to see how their substance use is affecting their life, and yours, is an important step. If they’re not ready to listen, a rehab center like Sunshine Behavioral Health can help you plan an intervention.

Support groups can help, too. 12-step programs and SMART Recovery offer meetings for people in recovery, and some have resources for families as well. It will likely take time and persistence, but you can help give your loved one the strength and desire to recover.

Enter Family Therapy With Them

Addiction doesn’t just harm the person struggling with it. It ends up affecting everybody close to them. Family therapy gives everyone a safe and neutral place to share their thoughts and feelings and begin to mend the hurt on all sides.

Going to family therapy together can also help your loved one feel less alone and know that their family is on their side. And it gives you a chance to learn how addiction affects them, so you can support them better as they work to recover.

Get Support for Yourself, Too

Helping someone you love through addiction can take a toll on you, too. Many family members feel worn out, worried or even guilty. It’s important to take care of your own health and feelings along the way, so you have the energy to keep showing up for them.

Support groups can be a good place to start. Al-Anon is for people worried about someone’s drinking, and Nar-Anon is a 12-step program for the family and friends of people with drug addiction. SMART Recovery Family & Friends holds free online and in-person meetings run by trained facilitators.

You may also want to talk with a therapist or counselor on your own. They can help you work through difficult feelings, and help you set boundaries and stick to them.

Finding Help for Your Loved One

Learning how to help without enabling takes time, and it’s normal to make mistakes along the way. What matters most is that you keep supporting the person, not their substance use, and that you take care of yourself, too.

Whenever you’re ready to take the next step, Sunshine Behavioral Health can help. Our team can walk you through your loved one’s options, including our residential treatment programs. We can help whether they’re ready to start today or you’re still figuring out how to talk to them.

You can also find more ways to support a friend or loved one on our site.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Call 949-276-2886 today.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is It Enabling to Let Them Live With You?

Not necessarily. Letting your loved one live with you can give them a safe and stable place to recover, as long as there are clear rules. For example, there are no drugs or alcohol in the house, and they help with chores or bills. The key is that your home supports their recovery, not their substance use.

Should I Give My Loved One Money?

It’s usually best not to give cash, even if they say it’s for food or rent. Money can easily go toward drugs or alcohol. If you want to help with a real need, you can pay for it directly, like a grocery order, a bill or a therapy session.

What If They Get Angry When I Set Boundaries?

It’s normal for your loved one to push back at first. Stay calm, and remind them that your boundaries come from love, not punishment. Try not to argue or give in. Over time, sticking to your boundaries shows them you mean it, and it helps you both know what to expect.

How Do You Encourage a Loved One to Get Help?

Start by talking with them calmly at a time when they’re sober. Tell them how their substance use is affecting you, without judging or blaming them. It’s important to be patient, since many people have to work through denial first. A professional interventionist or a rehab center can also help you plan what to say.

What Should I Do If My Loved One Relapses?

Try to stay calm and avoid blaming them. A relapse can happen, and it doesn’t mean all hope is lost. Talk with them openly, keep your boundaries in place and encourage them to reach out to their treatment team or support group. Our guide on what to do when a loved one relapses can help.

Sources

1. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Helping Families Cope with Mental Health and Substance Use Disorders.
2. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of the Surgeon General. Facing Addiction in America (2016), Table 4.2: Principles of Effective Treatment for Substance Use Disorders (citing NIDA).
3. Al-Anon Family Groups.
4. Nar-Anon Family Groups.
5. SMART Recovery. SMART Recovery Family & Friends.
6. Featured image: Greta Schölderle Møller on Unsplash.